Trusting someone with your heart is never easy.
I've gone through my adult life thinking that I would coast my way into death and then I met you.
It all seemed so blurry and in the amount of time it took me to fall in love with you, I simultaneously knew that my days were numbered.
I remember my very first feeling of impending doom as if it were only yesterday.
I remember because the fear that gripped my heart was so very real. I remember hearing for the first time that you thought our personalities would never mesh well...and that I didn't know how to "joke around" with you or even talk to you...it baffled me because this was before we even TRIED to get to know each other. To me this was before you even decided that I might be a person worth getting to know (personality wise). THAT was the first time you made me feel that I was simply never going to be "good enough".
All this time, I held on because I thought the good in me would overpower what I lacked in how to make you happy. I desperately wanted that nagging feeling that I would never measure up to disappate by your actions towards me, but sadly I was so wrong.
I won't hold anything against you though.
I won't be the person that goes on to hate you because I wasn't "the one"...
NOW, I can walk away and hold my head high and say I did EVERYTHING I possibly could and loved you with all that I was. I was in love with %100 of my heart, for the first time in my life.
No love of mine has ever compared nor will compare, and I don't care anymore.
I'm satified in knowing that I can accomplish this.
I no longer have to blame myself for not trying hard enough...and I won't even blame you.
I will simply walk away knowing, I wasn't the one and I'm ok with that. Had I been, these things wouldn't have happened. Had I been, you wouldn't have felt the need to test me. Had I been, you would have not "tried" to be happy...you just would have been.
Had I been...maybe it would have come easier for you.
You hear so many stories about the two different spectrums of what "love" might or should be...
You hear "it will be easy" and you "just know". Then you hear "it's a decision" and "you have to work at it to make it last".
Which one will it be for you? Which one will it be for me?
When you find her...you will know what not to do.
When I find him...I will know what I want done for me.
No matter what...
The gaping hole and physical pain in my body this very moment reminds me that this is for the best. I can't justify my behavior in any way that would sound logical because to you I'm anything but.
I can't fix the pieces that are too small to find in my own heart.
At one time, I said you saved me...and you disagreed. At one time I would have given anything to be saved.
I've been through so much...maybe this time, I need to save myself.
