Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on...
But I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
...that are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

You said I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, but I haven't forgotten my way home
I'm holding on...

I'm falling apart, still barely breathing

Seize the Day

Since I don't really have a topic today (or any day for that matter).. I'm simply going to type random thoughts wrapped into what may be a confusing and very LOOONG run on sentence.
If you don't want to be bothered by mundane chatter, please exit now or discontinue reading. I don't mean that disrespectfully, I promise! ...I'm just WARNING you.
For those of you who have chosen to continue...enjoy:

I realized the other day that I have one of the most meaningless blogs on the planet! I also realized, I don't care. Most people have a topic and a subject where they vent/discuss/debate, etc...I do not do any of these things. I use mine as an "online diary".
I started writing when I was fourteen. I have a black portfolio somewhere in my posses ion (hopefully) with my "writings/scribbles" that I kept for some odd reason. I felt as though writing was a healthy therapeutic expression of bottled up frustrations. I also found after re-reading them that my "world" back then was FAR less complicated than I thought it was! I laugh at myself and wonder: Why was I such a drama queen? Why did I let the simplest things bother me? Why did I think the entire world was "out to get me" when in reality my childhood was one of the BEST in comparison...to...some.
I guess you could blame it all on the fact that I was (still am) A GIRL in a seemingly suppressed environment (my parents were EXTREMELY strict) who never really knew how to act in a socially acceptable manner -according to the general public- but I wasn't (for the most part) treated badly.
Reviewing, I found that I was unnecessarily melancholy. I wish I would have known then what  I know now. Life is never as bad as I think it is. How do I know this? 
Because It gets worse by the minute! But I can laugh about it now. We aren't promised tomorrow so live today as though it IS your last day. 
I want/wish to love all and embrace vitality and wellness! I want to be a happy person, therefore I will ACT like I am.
I'm a believer in the mind/body connection and I believe very strongly that the mind affects the body and the effects of such resonate for years to come. Every experience that we ever encounter in our lifetime is stored somewhere in our body and if we don't take care of ourselves these things can manifest as sickness, disease, pain...etc
I could go on about this subject, and I have before and plan on elaborating on it in the future (another entry perhaps).

For now, I will leave you all with this:
Seize the day
Carpe Diam
Aprovechar el dia
Saisir le Jour
Nutze den Tag

Simply because...IT MAY BE YOUR LAST!

No Reason

Your personal scent
Your unique taste
The famiiar touch of your hand
The strength of your arms
The sound of your voice

...all of these things, I desire

Expression

it's been working for me so far...

I come in everyday and sit at my computer, staring at the blinking cursor and all of a sudden, it hits me. So fast and so suddenly that I don't even REALIZE what happened! My mind races forward as my fingers are rushing... barely able to hang on for the ride as they meld into a gravitational pull towards the next punctuation mark...
I'm typing again. I'm not allowing my mind to be harnessed. There are no restrictions in written word and here I find solace knowing that I am saying something...
Something that you will read, as I'm reading now...
Something you will remember...as I remember it...
Something that will strike a cord...even if it is in the moment....
Everything culminating to this one event and I am powerless to stop it yet almost erotically excited to know I wouldn't. Even if I could.
So many different directions I can take you. So many ways to guide you, persuade you, manipulate you, or just simply awe you...
THIS...is
The power of Expression

 

Taken

Written 6/10/10

Every once in a while you meet a person that sparks a genuine and intriguing awakening, that you ask yourself WHAT was I just HIT/stung/magnetized BY!?
It doesn't HAVE to be about a sexual attraction, or about sex...even all of those things MAY/may not occur...
Regardless of WHO it is.
I guess I am simply saying that I have been "struck" by such a situation.
I'm intrigued. I'm genuinely curious...
I am so taken by a person that it is unexplainable. THE BEST part about it is, I don't WANT to explain anything.
I want to be content in knowing that whatever they say or do is going to send chills down my spine, butterflies in my tummy, and have me asking a million questions before any words ever LEAVE my mouth...
I'm intoxicated by the very presence of a being that even comprehensible thought would shatter at any attempt of an explanation, and again...I don't want to try. 
I have perfection as an imagination and fantasy never needs to meet reality because both are one in the same. 
I am... and THAT is all I want to be.
I exist not as a figment of someone else's creation or as a phantom that will disappear...
I am alive, fully...and when I'm near this person or simply THINK of them...I am invincibly vulnerable.

Scared/Scarred

Written 6/9/10:

When I stop and remember all of the things that I've put myself through, It's a wonder that I haven't actually STOPPED.
Stopped to step back and see where my heart is and why I put myself through the things I do. 
Is it to feel one more time?
Is it because the one thing that I know I will never have reminds me of what I may have had...
once upon a time?
Is it because I know that I will always remain an enigma, even to myself?
Do I pride myself on knowing that I will forever be nothing to anyone that means something real?
I've given up on any real hope for finding true happiness when it comes to my heart, so do I settle for something that I think is the most real I can ever get? Do I reduce myself to thinking that I will always be happy at second best?
I don't understand the words that you say. I don't understand the words that I say to you...all I can do is hope that somewhere along the way fantasy will blur into a satifying reality and I as swept away as I am will remain a constant in someone ELSES life.
I know it doesn't have to be so complicated. Only, I feel treated differently. I'm lost even though I've never really known where I was heading.
It's going to be hard to react when I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I don't know what I'm allowed to feel or not to feel. I'm unaware of the consequences to express feelings that are still within. I'm scared. For the first time in a long time and I know because of my emotional scars, I will continue to fear...

Until Then

I'm asking myself for the first time...
Should I care about me?
Should I worry about MY feelings for a change?
Should I for the first time in so long WANT something I can ACTUALLY have?

Should I take all of the feelings and exhaust them INTO something that I know is tangible?
I want so desperately to feel wanted, loved and NEEDED, that I'm not even asking myself about authenticity.
What can be felt as real, can also be a facade.
If I know it isn't real, I know I will NEVER allow my heart to BE real, so how can I demand it from others?
I guess I'm just worried about the NOW, and not asking about the future. I don't want to know...
now
One day, I will have had enough. One day, I will stop and BE selfish.
Until then, I want what I can't have.

Tomorrow Isn't Promised

I've thought (all of about two seconds) on how I want to approach this subject line.
I have nothing.
I'm the type of person that allows creative flow to come from spontaneous thought rather than cold calculated thought and structure.
Tomorrow...
It's a misconception. Yes, we plan, prepare and present ourselves as though everything we are doing today will make a difference tomorrow. While that is an excellent resourceful way of living life (not to mention the RIGHT thing to DO), we by-pass so many things that hinder the way we approach our present state of mind/being/vitality.
I'm tired of hearing "it's complicated" or "I'm bored". I don't want to hear "if only" or "what if".
SAY IT STRAIGHT forward. There is no time like the present to live IN THE MOMENT.
I'm not trying to say that my past isn't going to come back to haunt me, or that my feelings aren't going to be hurt for something that is said to me today...
I'm simply trying to say that I'm tired of living my life AROUND the what if's and the regret.
I don't want there to ever be a second of my time where I reduce myself to thinking that my only choice was anything but a definitive alternative to what might have been. I want to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I CREATED my OWN destiny.
I'm not "that" person. I may not be free to fully express myself, but I'm chained to the endless possibility of doing so! It sounds much better in my head, and I'm sure you're trying to understand what it is I'm REALLY hoping to say, but THAT's the point! STOP trying to understand me and DO IT! It's simple.
If you can't SAY IT, then maybe you shouldn't be talking to me at all.
That's not harsh, that's reality.
I'm anything but ordinary and I refuse to allow myself to be restricted to the idea of anything else except who I am and what I want.
I've lived in terror. I've lived with impending doom, and my conclusion is that I am now trying to make the best of WHATEVER situation is handed to me by living "in the moment".
I am the only person who truly knows how to make ME happy, and that's what I intend to do.
Tomorrow...is ALREADY today! Don't confuse it with the future.

~Jenn

Snuff (revised)

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins.

The air around me still feels like a cage.
Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again.

So if you love me, let me go and run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I cannot hate.
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago, If I can change I hope I never know.

I still press your letters to my lips. And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss.
I thought I couldn't face a life without your light.
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight.
So save your breath, I will not care. I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend, then I could hurt you the same in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...

My own was banished long ago, It took the death of hope to let you go.
So break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul.
You never needed any help, you sold me out to save yourself
Now I won't listen to your shame... you ran away, you're all the same.
An angel lied to keep control...
My love was punished long ago,
If you still care don't ever let me know....