Scared/Scarred

Written 6/9/10:

When I stop and remember all of the things that I've put myself through, It's a wonder that I haven't actually STOPPED.
Stopped to step back and see where my heart is and why I put myself through the things I do. 
Is it to feel one more time?
Is it because the one thing that I know I will never have reminds me of what I may have had...
once upon a time?
Is it because I know that I will always remain an enigma, even to myself?
Do I pride myself on knowing that I will forever be nothing to anyone that means something real?
I've given up on any real hope for finding true happiness when it comes to my heart, so do I settle for something that I think is the most real I can ever get? Do I reduce myself to thinking that I will always be happy at second best?
I don't understand the words that you say. I don't understand the words that I say to you...all I can do is hope that somewhere along the way fantasy will blur into a satifying reality and I as swept away as I am will remain a constant in someone ELSES life.
I know it doesn't have to be so complicated. Only, I feel treated differently. I'm lost even though I've never really known where I was heading.
It's going to be hard to react when I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I don't know what I'm allowed to feel or not to feel. I'm unaware of the consequences to express feelings that are still within. I'm scared. For the first time in a long time and I know because of my emotional scars, I will continue to fear...