Blue Flow

"Why do you want to forget?
Please, try to remember,"
I wish as warm tears
flow down my cheeks

Why, as we tremble,
do we now seek each other out?
Because I want to hold you over and over
in my embrace

The feather that drifts on the waves of
this blue planet's ocean;
the sorrow of its fading
is a prayer to tomorrow
Blue Flow

On a night when Luna rises
Look! The sky of your dreams
casually beckons you to
the other side of fate

While still lost,
I tried calling out to you, just now
I want to be sure of the heart
that only you possess

The times you look at the pale stars
and think that you're lonely;
I want to become the kindness
that takes the pain from those thoughts
Blue Flow

The feather that drifts on the waves of
this blue planet's ocean;
the sorrow of its fading
is a prayer to tomorrow
Blue Flow

Written JUST for me :)

Beauty in a beautiful world

Throughout my life I have seen some of the most magnificent sites a person can see. I have seen masterpieces crafted day in and day out as the sun rises and sets. Mother Natures brush strokes are flawless.

I have gazed towards the Heavens and seen a brilliant moon illuminating the night sky; Stars shimmering in the background giving off an almost magical aura.

I have enjoyed the peaceful serenity of the outdoors; a beautiful forest, luscious and full of life, fields of flowers so vibrant one would think they had found the end of the rainbow.

The world is full of vivid imagery to drive the senses wild. Alas, regardless of how beautiful the world really is, it is incomparable to you. Darling, you take my breath away. When I look at you I lose myself. For a brief moment I am completely lost, my mind racing, trying to process what I'm seeing.

It seems effortless for you. No matter what you are wearing. Whether your hair is up, down, curled, messy it doesnt matter its always so enticing. Your smile could light the darkest of places and cure the worst feelings of sadness imaginable. Your smile makes everyone around you happy. It's contagious.

What I love most, though, are your eyes. They are so dazzling, so ravishing, so beautiful… So seductive. They draw me in as if I'm under some spell. When you look at me I have no chance, I'm completely yours.

Everytime I see you, it makes it that much harder to leave you. I still have the world to look at, though, to pass the time by. And when I miss you most I just close my eyes and there you are. And I'm okay again. Just don't keep me waiting too long…

An apology

It's been hard for me to breathe these past few weeks.
I miss his smile. His laugh. His friendship. His strenth & comfort.
I fight the overwhelming urge to curl up in the fetal position under my covers.
Or sit sobbing on the shower floor.
I can't...
You see, I have been given -though I do not want it- the task of moving forward, forgetting... letting go.
With a piece of my heart gone & missing;
A void that cannot be filled...
I carry my memories.
And these memories they sharpen the jagged edges of that void.
They do nothing to soothe my pain.
So, I apologize to those who see me now...I haven't had the energy of expression...
I have been indulging my memories...

Yet soon, these memories will be put to rest...

for good. (revised)

Roses-Seether

You feed this disease
Which you shelter underneath the scars
And dream of better things
Rendered helpless by those wicked charms
But please don't believe
When I say it's hard to breathe

Save me
Even as you break me
Every time you rape me
Leave me coming all undone

Praise me
Turn your back and hate me
Every time you waste me
Keep me underneath your thumb

You bleed on the sheets
Whisper softly how you love the scars
Then plead on your knees
Pledge your promises to do no harm
But please just let me be
I still find it hard to breathe

Save me

Even as you break me
Every time you rape me
Leave me coming all undone

Praise me
Turn your back and hate me
Every time you waste me
Keep me underneath your thumb

Save me

Sent to me:

Remember, You are someone truly special and deserve only the very best in life. I pray your dreams are as beautiful as you...impossible as that may seem...

No dream could ever hope to match both the outer beauty and the inner beauty.

@ 2:20am

I am cared for :-) 

In the sway of the song

Downfall

The feeling you get when you have to stand on your tippie toes just to wrap your arms around his neck....

That feeling you get when he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you in so close for a kiss...

The way your mind melts when there is no one else in existence but him and everything fades away for a brief moment...

The intense emotions, the feel of your lips touching his and the shock it sends throughout your body....

I miss that. I miss it so much.

However, the tears that it took to get to that point is something I don't miss...

You were my sweetest surrender and my hardest downfall…

Yes, downfall because when I fell for you...I fell all the way and there is no one to pick me up.

No one.

Making EVEN more

Strength does not get used up when you use it. In fact, it grows.

Sharing your wisdom with another person does not take that wisdom away from you. It actually deepens your wisdom, and makes it even more profound.

Giving your love does not in any way diminish the love you have. It makes your love richer and more meaningful.

You can speak the truth all day long, and at the end of the day that truth is more plentiful than it was at the beginning. You can exercise compassion month after month, and you'll end up with even more compassion.

Some of the most powerful and valuable things in life are the things that never get used up. Indeed, those things such as love, integrity, truth, compassion and wisdom become more plentiful the more they're used.

As each moment passes, make full, joyous and meaningful use of life's goodness.

When you do, you'll be "making" even more.

-

Messages to inspire by:

Your eyes hold the stars in awe. Your smile dims even the noonday sun. You haunt my thoughts until the day becomes night
...how can I possibly make you mine?

To hold you in my arms would be heaven, to kiss your lips would be ecstasy, to spend time with you would be more than I could take, to see you smile would make me melt.
(needs revision)

"You are beautiful, inside and out. No matter the bruises left on your body and soul, they will heal. Promise."

Testament

I've erased the memory and replaced the hurt with a whole and brand new me.

Forever My Lover

You don't have to be so scared
You don't have to go tonight
We just needed to hold on tight
For one hell of a ride
Cause we lost it all just now
To the nights that left us out
And I'll let this go somehow
You're gonna be proud...so proud

Cause I just needed you to pick me up
Like you did when you were stronger
When the lightning and the thunder
Had me clinging to your arms
...for someone to lift me up
When I'm down and I'm forgotten
You'll forever be my lover
And I'll be saving tears in jars for this one

How can I fit all these words
Into such a simple verse
It's the last time that we'll speak
So listen to me
...please

Cause I just needed you to pick me up
Like you did when you were stronger
When the lightning and the thunder
Had me clinging to your arms
...for someone to lift me up
When I'm down and I'm forgotten
You'll forever be my lover
And I'll be saving tears in jars for this one

Did you know that you're my heart
And it hurts to be apart
This cut it hurts so deep
Please, someone... just sing me to sleep...

Love...after "love"

The time will come 
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving 
at your own door,

in your own mirror, 
and each will smile at the other's welcome

and say, sit here.

Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self. 
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 
to itself

to the stranger who has loved you all your life,

whom you ignored for another,

who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 
the photographs,

the desperate notes, 
peel your own image from the mirror. 
Sit.

Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

At One Time, I Thought You Wanted To Save Me.

Trusting someone with your heart is never easy.

I've gone through my adult life thinking that I would coast my way into death and then I met you.

It all seemed so blurry and in the amount of time it took me to fall in love with you, I simultaneously knew that my days were numbered.

I remember my very first feeling of impending doom as if it were only yesterday.

I remember because the fear that gripped my heart was so very real. I remember hearing for the first time that you thought our personalities would never mesh well...and that I didn't know how to "joke around" with you or even talk to you...it baffled me because this was before we even TRIED to get to know each other. To me this was before you even decided that I might be a person worth getting to know (personality wise). THAT was the first time you made me feel that I was simply never going to be "good enough".

All this time, I held on because I thought the good in me would overpower what I lacked in how to make you happy. I desperately wanted that nagging feeling that I would never measure up to disappate by your actions towards me, but sadly I was so wrong.

 

I won't hold anything against you though.

I won't be the person that goes on to hate you because I wasn't "the one"...

NOW, I can walk away and hold my head high and say I did EVERYTHING I possibly could and loved you with all that I was. I was in love with %100 of my heart, for the first time in my life.

No love of mine has ever compared nor will compare, and I don't care anymore.

I'm satified in knowing that I can accomplish this.

I no longer have to blame myself for not trying hard enough...and I won't even blame you.

I will simply walk away knowing, I wasn't the one and I'm ok with that. Had I been, these things wouldn't have happened. Had I been, you wouldn't have felt the need to test me. Had I been, you would have not "tried" to be happy...you just would have been.

Had I been...maybe it would have come easier for you.

 

You hear so many stories about the two different spectrums of what "love" might or should be...

You hear "it will be easy" and you "just know". Then you hear "it's a decision" and "you have to work at it to make it last".

Which one will it be for you? Which one will it be for me?

 

When you find her...you will know what not to do.

When I find him...I will know what I want done for me.

 

No matter what...

The gaping hole and physical pain in my body this very moment reminds me that this is for the best. I can't justify my behavior in any way that would sound logical because to you I'm anything but. 

I can't fix the pieces that are too small to find in my own heart.

 

At one time, I said you saved me...and you disagreed. At one time I would have given anything to be saved.

I've been through so much...maybe this time, I need to save myself.

Without You

Without you, I am completely shutting down from the rest of the world, from everyone else, and no one will be able to come inside. I no longer care who I was before I knew you because I told you repeatedly I never experienced life until you, and I meant that. Everything that I thought I was is now a shell of a breathing corpse. I have no will, no desire, and no ambition to live like I was because I simply didn't exist without you before. I don't care how happy I appeared...I wasn't me. I didn't find ME until I found you.
One of the first things I ever said to you was that it was better to live life having found something you never knew was missing than to live life with regret knowing you found something that is now a gaping hole or an empty void. Now, I feel this void.
The happy part for you is that you've had this type of love before, you've had your symphony before me...and I found that in you. You can pick up the pieces and move on from here because you know what to do. I don't. I haven't a clue as to what to think or how to act...
No one will dare to compare to you or even come close to my heart ever again. I thought I knew before how I should be loved or how I "wanted" to be loved and believe me there were times that I thought "if only I felt worthy enough to be by your side" then I would have allowed myself to be truly happy...
I will give my heart to no one because you have had it first AND last. I will deny everyone the right to have me, my love or my affection because I can no longer give those things to you. If I couldn't make it work with you, then I don't deserve to have it at all...
Everything that is me will die without you, willingly, and because of this I not only won't but can't let go of it.
For a moment, my life found absolution in giving you what I THOUGHT you needed or at least making sure you had it within reach, but giving the best of what I was, wasn't good enough because I really had nothing to offer except a broken spirit, shattered hopes, and a dreamless goal.
I will never have been...

She

She's sitting there...
She's crying, again. 
For what seems like the millionth time, her heart is sore. 
The hands of time won't reverse or take back what she doesn't even know she did.
She cradles her head in her hands, she can't let him see her like this. 
Tears fill the eyes dampering the passionate fire that used to ignite every room they enter.
She doesn't understand.
She knows that she'll eternally suffer, but she feels this is her destiny. 
She berates herself for past mistakes and self inflicts pain to make herself worthy enough to stand near him.
He demands respect, his price for approval has been beyond the sky.
Nothing can mask this feeling of impending doom. Nothing can quiet her heart from the silent screams of making this easier. 
She can end herself... So swiftly, but the risidual pain...would be worse.

She's outside looking in. 
She feels as if she's in on a joke, but the laugh is all on her.
She can't understand for the life of her life why she can't become angry.

She wants to scream out in a judgemental lashing at no one else except herself.

Did she pour herself out for nothing? Did she take a step forward to be violently shoved back to the place where she was even BEFORE she started?
Did she not pour herself out enough?
What else could she have possibly done to apease her inner turmoil? 
What did she do to be sitting here once again...
in tears?

She's tired...
of this position, of hurting. She's tired of wondering what she can do next to make it feel better. 
She's tired of thinking about herself...

All she wanted was to be enough. 

Many people can go above and beyond and never be enough.

What about her...?

 

Thief Among Us

For a time I thought there was a thief among us. I thought I'd track him down, but prior to my pursuit the smoke cleared into my disbelief.  There was no thief because it was me that lost you.
I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to. I guess it's up to me to find a way to get back to you
And there's just one last thing that I have to say:
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made, It was cowardice that made me push you away. I was so afraid because you were so much better than me. I couldn't see me getting used to living in the midst of your perfection...
And I'm so lost how can you trust somewhere the sun isn't always shining?
Is it safe to say you're never coming back?

Enough

 

(get ready for the ABUSE of the ellipses)

Every time I'm about to allow myself to be calm, it starts...
I close my eyes and breathe.
I'm breathing... I'm taking myself back to the best place on Earth while in my mind and if I open my eyes, the spell would be broken.
This spell that I have become so enchanted with I fail to realize my reality has been actuality...
I wish on stars, I wish on time, I dream of dreams and dream of you.
How can I add magic to this mix?
There were times when my heart was so light it actually smiled. There were times when my mind was so clear that it didn't worry.
but then...
Sometimes...
I fought so hard to keep peace I ruined the moment....
I wanted to let go so badly and just be. THAT is who I am! That is who I WANTed to be. 

I'm reaching a point in my life where a quiet existence is more appealing than the next thrill.
I want to rest. I want my heart to feel safe.
I want to live in an existence where I don't have to worry and not trust...
Yes, tomorrow will take care of itself, but everyday is a preparation for the next...
I'm bracing (even now) for a blow that may come so fast and so hard that it leaves me shattered and confused.
I don't want to think about the things that MAY have been, I want to dwell on what IS.
If I plan too far in advance then I miss the spontaneity of allowing things to take their course.
Is THAT what romance is?
Sometimes I feel if I take the plunge, if I finally allow myself to let go, or even fully love again that my heart will be ripped from my chest...
and it was.

I now feel as though I can't bare it breaking again. 
My mind/body isn't strong enough.
Is that the reason I held on for dear life to something that didn't even exist or did it really exist? If it really did then how could this have happened? How can one even look at another with ill intentions...especially when someone else was trying desperately to be perfect FOR them?

There comes a time when you quiet the voices inside your head. You silence the questions that threaten to overwhelm you and drive you to the brink of insanity.
The feelings of despair that sink way beyond the natural and border on the supernatural.
I created an almost unhealthy psychological or psychic-like connection and I am at a loss of what to do (if anything) about it.
I want so desperately to scream out in anger and bitterness and cry tears of hurt and anguish, I want to lash out in spite and turn my world upside down...but all sounds selfishly unnecessary and highly unlike me.
An uneventful chain of reactions threaten to take place and there is no hope in the end. Only pain.
Yes, there is a yearning and attachment that was somehow formed and I still ask myself constantly HOW, why and when did this happen to someone who guarded themselves and their heart from becoming the very thing that they are now:
Vulnerable, and weak, yet intoxicatingly engulfed and uncontrollably consumed by a desire that is so unexplainable it physically hurts. It hurts more now that I have had to imagine the things he did when he spoke of loyalty and honor with such pride.
I was hurt beyond measure when I found that a part of me was completely erased from his life. For a moment he deliberately chose to forget me in another's embrace, words...kiss.
That was when I realized that I had no place in the future of his heart and all along I was biding my time. Soon...I will finally be silenced forever. I deceived myself, but did I also deceive him into thinking that I was exactly what he wanted simply because I fought so hard to keep him while all along he pushed me away because that was what HIS heart wanted...? I pushed back, hoping.

I thought that enduring would bring me freedom and in the end it chained my heart to an unrealistic view of myself. One that made me worthy. One that made me a better person because I wanted him to see in HIMSELF what I saw.
I've torn myself apart just to be the one he turned to, and now I feel as though I was the problem. 
I tortured myself into believing that I can be strong enough to hold up the demand.

Maybe it was all a facade, and I'm the one being naive enough to think I could have held on to the curtails of a mirage that never existed yet I built in my head so desperately creating it because I FELT it...I FELT something. I felt alive and cared for. 
Now, I feel the evolution of a train wreck and I can see impending doom, yet I'm powerless. Powerless to stop it because I can't let go of an idea...an idea that I thought was so true and maybe not solid, but I let myself THINK I had potential. I'm powerless to avert my eyes and look the other way...

It wasn't my place. Maybe it never was, but short of bleeding, I tried everything I could.

Enough was and never WOULD HAVE BEEN good enough.

A Blessing Sent Your Way

This morning I was praying for you as I do EVERY morning evening & night! 
But today I wanted to share one of the prayers with you!
Jenn, 
I call your spirit to attention in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Listen as I write the Word of God to you from Heb. 13:8: 
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever".
I bless you with the ability to brush aside disappointment, pain and sorrow, and to return quickly to the place of joy. Though you may experience hardship with the passing of time, be comforted in knowing that Jesus never changes. 
May you rebound quickly from shame, discouragement and every sort of negative emotion because of your joy in the unchanging God. May you savor again and again the joy that the Father has in you when you realize the truth and make a correction to your course. 
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I bless you my dear!
Love & miss you.

-Mom

11:11

You saw me
-broken
-battered
-shattered
-wicked
-filthy
-trying
-jealous
-prideful
-selfish

...still you said: I want her, I need her...she's the one for me.
I choose her, she is mine...bring her to me.
Keep her tears in a bottle, seal her name upon my heart
When she says "I don't deserve you"
Just keep her in your arms day and night.
She is finding her beauty, her place, she's finding her WHOLE heart...her life.

_____________________________________________________________

It came suddenly, a power rushing right through me; past my walls and through my doors...

How did you get inside? My heart is like a maze at night, but since you've walked into my life...

There's no need for rushing when our lips our touching, all my life I've waited for...

You are the best surprise I see Heaven in your eyes. You have my heart open wide...

You give bliss, there's fire in your kiss; can you be the answer to my prayer, my very wish...?

I'm not lonely anymore.

 

to be ME...

I just wanted to let you know (as you already do I'm sure) that you're on my mind.
I feel so abnormal without you. I partially think the reason for my sickness is that I am going through a painful with drawl from the constant high your presence keeps me on. I feel simply awful without you in the same STATE! At least while you were in a neighboring city, I knew I COULD see you (even if it was for an hour).
You are unbelievably wonderful. Everything about you...even the way you sweat invigorates me! 
You captivate every part of me and I am so enthralled by who and what you are.
I almost can't understand my physical NEED and longing desire to be right next to you or in SOME sort of contact with you. 
I wish nothing more than right this second I was in your arms. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would feel complete once again...that I would feel right...that
I would feel WHOLE, wanted, needed and simply...me again.

One Man Drinking Games

Because I had a dream...

I had a vision...I saw what I wanted and THOUGHT I needed.

Every line and every lyric was acted out just as it was written, and sung.

Maybe it wasn't a death...
Maybe it was just a part of me that died.
The corpse that remained was labeled as nostalgia.
I wanted a goodbye that was too painful to imagine, but I needed closure. 
I wanted to remain a bittersweet memory and that was never meant to be.
Now, I'm a regret and vice versa.
I regret ever looking, ever feeling, ever wanting...
My closure came, but in a different form. It came unexpected and because I didn't ask or seek it out, the healing is permanent.
I know now that even though the regret remains, I am at peace.
These are the things I will drink to...

 

Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on...
But I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
...that are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

You said I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, but I haven't forgotten my way home
I'm holding on...

I'm falling apart, still barely breathing

Seize the Day

Since I don't really have a topic today (or any day for that matter).. I'm simply going to type random thoughts wrapped into what may be a confusing and very LOOONG run on sentence.
If you don't want to be bothered by mundane chatter, please exit now or discontinue reading. I don't mean that disrespectfully, I promise! ...I'm just WARNING you.
For those of you who have chosen to continue...enjoy:

I realized the other day that I have one of the most meaningless blogs on the planet! I also realized, I don't care. Most people have a topic and a subject where they vent/discuss/debate, etc...I do not do any of these things. I use mine as an "online diary".
I started writing when I was fourteen. I have a black portfolio somewhere in my posses ion (hopefully) with my "writings/scribbles" that I kept for some odd reason. I felt as though writing was a healthy therapeutic expression of bottled up frustrations. I also found after re-reading them that my "world" back then was FAR less complicated than I thought it was! I laugh at myself and wonder: Why was I such a drama queen? Why did I let the simplest things bother me? Why did I think the entire world was "out to get me" when in reality my childhood was one of the BEST in comparison...to...some.
I guess you could blame it all on the fact that I was (still am) A GIRL in a seemingly suppressed environment (my parents were EXTREMELY strict) who never really knew how to act in a socially acceptable manner -according to the general public- but I wasn't (for the most part) treated badly.
Reviewing, I found that I was unnecessarily melancholy. I wish I would have known then what  I know now. Life is never as bad as I think it is. How do I know this? 
Because It gets worse by the minute! But I can laugh about it now. We aren't promised tomorrow so live today as though it IS your last day. 
I want/wish to love all and embrace vitality and wellness! I want to be a happy person, therefore I will ACT like I am.
I'm a believer in the mind/body connection and I believe very strongly that the mind affects the body and the effects of such resonate for years to come. Every experience that we ever encounter in our lifetime is stored somewhere in our body and if we don't take care of ourselves these things can manifest as sickness, disease, pain...etc
I could go on about this subject, and I have before and plan on elaborating on it in the future (another entry perhaps).

For now, I will leave you all with this:
Seize the day
Carpe Diam
Aprovechar el dia
Saisir le Jour
Nutze den Tag

Simply because...IT MAY BE YOUR LAST!

No Reason

Your personal scent
Your unique taste
The famiiar touch of your hand
The strength of your arms
The sound of your voice

...all of these things, I desire

Expression

it's been working for me so far...

I come in everyday and sit at my computer, staring at the blinking cursor and all of a sudden, it hits me. So fast and so suddenly that I don't even REALIZE what happened! My mind races forward as my fingers are rushing... barely able to hang on for the ride as they meld into a gravitational pull towards the next punctuation mark...
I'm typing again. I'm not allowing my mind to be harnessed. There are no restrictions in written word and here I find solace knowing that I am saying something...
Something that you will read, as I'm reading now...
Something you will remember...as I remember it...
Something that will strike a cord...even if it is in the moment....
Everything culminating to this one event and I am powerless to stop it yet almost erotically excited to know I wouldn't. Even if I could.
So many different directions I can take you. So many ways to guide you, persuade you, manipulate you, or just simply awe you...
THIS...is
The power of Expression

 

Taken

Written 6/10/10

Every once in a while you meet a person that sparks a genuine and intriguing awakening, that you ask yourself WHAT was I just HIT/stung/magnetized BY!?
It doesn't HAVE to be about a sexual attraction, or about sex...even all of those things MAY/may not occur...
Regardless of WHO it is.
I guess I am simply saying that I have been "struck" by such a situation.
I'm intrigued. I'm genuinely curious...
I am so taken by a person that it is unexplainable. THE BEST part about it is, I don't WANT to explain anything.
I want to be content in knowing that whatever they say or do is going to send chills down my spine, butterflies in my tummy, and have me asking a million questions before any words ever LEAVE my mouth...
I'm intoxicated by the very presence of a being that even comprehensible thought would shatter at any attempt of an explanation, and again...I don't want to try. 
I have perfection as an imagination and fantasy never needs to meet reality because both are one in the same. 
I am... and THAT is all I want to be.
I exist not as a figment of someone else's creation or as a phantom that will disappear...
I am alive, fully...and when I'm near this person or simply THINK of them...I am invincibly vulnerable.

Scared/Scarred

Written 6/9/10:

When I stop and remember all of the things that I've put myself through, It's a wonder that I haven't actually STOPPED.
Stopped to step back and see where my heart is and why I put myself through the things I do. 
Is it to feel one more time?
Is it because the one thing that I know I will never have reminds me of what I may have had...
once upon a time?
Is it because I know that I will always remain an enigma, even to myself?
Do I pride myself on knowing that I will forever be nothing to anyone that means something real?
I've given up on any real hope for finding true happiness when it comes to my heart, so do I settle for something that I think is the most real I can ever get? Do I reduce myself to thinking that I will always be happy at second best?
I don't understand the words that you say. I don't understand the words that I say to you...all I can do is hope that somewhere along the way fantasy will blur into a satifying reality and I as swept away as I am will remain a constant in someone ELSES life.
I know it doesn't have to be so complicated. Only, I feel treated differently. I'm lost even though I've never really known where I was heading.
It's going to be hard to react when I don't know how I'm supposed to react. I don't know what I'm allowed to feel or not to feel. I'm unaware of the consequences to express feelings that are still within. I'm scared. For the first time in a long time and I know because of my emotional scars, I will continue to fear...

Until Then

I'm asking myself for the first time...
Should I care about me?
Should I worry about MY feelings for a change?
Should I for the first time in so long WANT something I can ACTUALLY have?

Should I take all of the feelings and exhaust them INTO something that I know is tangible?
I want so desperately to feel wanted, loved and NEEDED, that I'm not even asking myself about authenticity.
What can be felt as real, can also be a facade.
If I know it isn't real, I know I will NEVER allow my heart to BE real, so how can I demand it from others?
I guess I'm just worried about the NOW, and not asking about the future. I don't want to know...
now
One day, I will have had enough. One day, I will stop and BE selfish.
Until then, I want what I can't have.

Tomorrow Isn't Promised

I've thought (all of about two seconds) on how I want to approach this subject line.
I have nothing.
I'm the type of person that allows creative flow to come from spontaneous thought rather than cold calculated thought and structure.
Tomorrow...
It's a misconception. Yes, we plan, prepare and present ourselves as though everything we are doing today will make a difference tomorrow. While that is an excellent resourceful way of living life (not to mention the RIGHT thing to DO), we by-pass so many things that hinder the way we approach our present state of mind/being/vitality.
I'm tired of hearing "it's complicated" or "I'm bored". I don't want to hear "if only" or "what if".
SAY IT STRAIGHT forward. There is no time like the present to live IN THE MOMENT.
I'm not trying to say that my past isn't going to come back to haunt me, or that my feelings aren't going to be hurt for something that is said to me today...
I'm simply trying to say that I'm tired of living my life AROUND the what if's and the regret.
I don't want there to ever be a second of my time where I reduce myself to thinking that my only choice was anything but a definitive alternative to what might have been. I want to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I CREATED my OWN destiny.
I'm not "that" person. I may not be free to fully express myself, but I'm chained to the endless possibility of doing so! It sounds much better in my head, and I'm sure you're trying to understand what it is I'm REALLY hoping to say, but THAT's the point! STOP trying to understand me and DO IT! It's simple.
If you can't SAY IT, then maybe you shouldn't be talking to me at all.
That's not harsh, that's reality.
I'm anything but ordinary and I refuse to allow myself to be restricted to the idea of anything else except who I am and what I want.
I've lived in terror. I've lived with impending doom, and my conclusion is that I am now trying to make the best of WHATEVER situation is handed to me by living "in the moment".
I am the only person who truly knows how to make ME happy, and that's what I intend to do.
Tomorrow...is ALREADY today! Don't confuse it with the future.

~Jenn

Snuff (revised)

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins.

The air around me still feels like a cage.
Love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again.

So if you love me, let me go and run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate. If I'm alone I cannot hate.
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago, If I can change I hope I never know.

I still press your letters to my lips. And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss.
I thought I couldn't face a life without your light.
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight.
So save your breath, I will not care. I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend, then I could hurt you the same in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...

My own was banished long ago, It took the death of hope to let you go.
So break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul.
You never needed any help, you sold me out to save yourself
Now I won't listen to your shame... you ran away, you're all the same.
An angel lied to keep control...
My love was punished long ago,
If you still care don't ever let me know....