Enough

 

(get ready for the ABUSE of the ellipses)

Every time I'm about to allow myself to be calm, it starts...
I close my eyes and breathe.
I'm breathing... I'm taking myself back to the best place on Earth while in my mind and if I open my eyes, the spell would be broken.
This spell that I have become so enchanted with I fail to realize my reality has been actuality...
I wish on stars, I wish on time, I dream of dreams and dream of you.
How can I add magic to this mix?
There were times when my heart was so light it actually smiled. There were times when my mind was so clear that it didn't worry.
but then...
Sometimes...
I fought so hard to keep peace I ruined the moment....
I wanted to let go so badly and just be. THAT is who I am! That is who I WANTed to be. 

I'm reaching a point in my life where a quiet existence is more appealing than the next thrill.
I want to rest. I want my heart to feel safe.
I want to live in an existence where I don't have to worry and not trust...
Yes, tomorrow will take care of itself, but everyday is a preparation for the next...
I'm bracing (even now) for a blow that may come so fast and so hard that it leaves me shattered and confused.
I don't want to think about the things that MAY have been, I want to dwell on what IS.
If I plan too far in advance then I miss the spontaneity of allowing things to take their course.
Is THAT what romance is?
Sometimes I feel if I take the plunge, if I finally allow myself to let go, or even fully love again that my heart will be ripped from my chest...
and it was.

I now feel as though I can't bare it breaking again. 
My mind/body isn't strong enough.
Is that the reason I held on for dear life to something that didn't even exist or did it really exist? If it really did then how could this have happened? How can one even look at another with ill intentions...especially when someone else was trying desperately to be perfect FOR them?

There comes a time when you quiet the voices inside your head. You silence the questions that threaten to overwhelm you and drive you to the brink of insanity.
The feelings of despair that sink way beyond the natural and border on the supernatural.
I created an almost unhealthy psychological or psychic-like connection and I am at a loss of what to do (if anything) about it.
I want so desperately to scream out in anger and bitterness and cry tears of hurt and anguish, I want to lash out in spite and turn my world upside down...but all sounds selfishly unnecessary and highly unlike me.
An uneventful chain of reactions threaten to take place and there is no hope in the end. Only pain.
Yes, there is a yearning and attachment that was somehow formed and I still ask myself constantly HOW, why and when did this happen to someone who guarded themselves and their heart from becoming the very thing that they are now:
Vulnerable, and weak, yet intoxicatingly engulfed and uncontrollably consumed by a desire that is so unexplainable it physically hurts. It hurts more now that I have had to imagine the things he did when he spoke of loyalty and honor with such pride.
I was hurt beyond measure when I found that a part of me was completely erased from his life. For a moment he deliberately chose to forget me in another's embrace, words...kiss.
That was when I realized that I had no place in the future of his heart and all along I was biding my time. Soon...I will finally be silenced forever. I deceived myself, but did I also deceive him into thinking that I was exactly what he wanted simply because I fought so hard to keep him while all along he pushed me away because that was what HIS heart wanted...? I pushed back, hoping.

I thought that enduring would bring me freedom and in the end it chained my heart to an unrealistic view of myself. One that made me worthy. One that made me a better person because I wanted him to see in HIMSELF what I saw.
I've torn myself apart just to be the one he turned to, and now I feel as though I was the problem. 
I tortured myself into believing that I can be strong enough to hold up the demand.

Maybe it was all a facade, and I'm the one being naive enough to think I could have held on to the curtails of a mirage that never existed yet I built in my head so desperately creating it because I FELT it...I FELT something. I felt alive and cared for. 
Now, I feel the evolution of a train wreck and I can see impending doom, yet I'm powerless. Powerless to stop it because I can't let go of an idea...an idea that I thought was so true and maybe not solid, but I let myself THINK I had potential. I'm powerless to avert my eyes and look the other way...

It wasn't my place. Maybe it never was, but short of bleeding, I tried everything I could.

Enough was and never WOULD HAVE BEEN good enough.